The Strongest Woman In The World

During the last week with this premature labor scare and subsequent prolonged hospital stay, my husband has repeatedly told me that he thinks I'm strong.

Which is funny because I don't feel strong.

I feel like child who's lost her favorite stuffed animal and can't sleep because she's afraid of the creepy, scary monster that lives in her closet and is going to come out and eat her if she dares closes her eyes for even one single millisecond.

I feel like a spoiled brat who believes everything in life is equal and wants to shout "It's not fair!" at any injustices. (A.K.A. Having a total Veruca Salt moment)

I feel like I've gotten lost in a maze and can't find which way leads to the freedom of the outside world. (Even if everyone keeps telling me that I'm not missing anything because it's been so freaking cold outside. Yeah, I'm missing something. It's called the ability to leave the f'n hospital!)

I feel like an impatient ingrate, wasting my time on wishes that this can all be over and seem like a bad dream. One loooong, bad dream that involved creepy, pneumatic beds and antiseptic smelling corridors.

Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty okay with the fact that my husband doesn't seem to realize what a sad, weakling his wife really is. But it made me wonder, what other times has he considered me be strong when I was really just phoning it in?

When I was a full time working mom of two, balancing a full time job and family life and still finding time to make fun crafts projects with the kids, did he think, "Wow, I have an amazing wife."? Did he not know how guilty I felt that I couldn't spend more time with my family because our household needed two working parents? Or that I felt like I was missing my kids childhoods because time was going by too fast? Could he see the fun filled craft projects were born of a desperation to make a fun memory for the kids so that they didn't look back and only remember Mom working?

When our youngest son was born, did he think that I was strong to be raising 3 kids, working full time, and keeping everything organized on who was going where and when and for what? Did he miss the circles under my eyes and the number of nights that I half-assed dinner with grilled cheese sandwiches? Does he know how many nights I got back out of bed to fill out a permission slip or a book order at the last minute that I almost forgot? Could he not see the days that I was running in circles and barely keeping up with the flow of things? Was it not obvious that I had scraps of reminder notes squirreled away just to make me feel like I was a teensy bit organized?

And when I was newly pregnant with baby number four and still taking care of the kids and house and working, did he marvel at the stamina of his awesome wife? Did he not realize that I was a bag of hormonal exhaustion that cried at the smallest thing and hated all food smells for 3 months? (Okay, this I think he knew.) Was I good at hiding how miserable the summer heat and early pregnancy were making me or that I felt like I was losing my mind due to "pregnancy brain"? Did he wonder how I found time to juggle everything but not be able to see the balls that I dropped because I was trying to juggle too much?

I recently told him, "Sometimes women are strong because they have no choice." And it's true. Women might be inherently strong creatures, but most of the time we're just doing what has to be done. We might really be a mess of insecurity, nerves, and fears, but are wearing our "Strongest Woman in the World" facade. The fact that people choose to see that as a strength is just beneficial to women's reputations everywhere.

In fact, maybe I shouldn't have disabused people of our fabulous reputations. On second thought, forget everything you just read. Women rock. "Nuff said.