I Blame Hollywood

I blame Hollywood. (Yes, I realize that statement could preface about two dozen different complaints.) Specifically, I blame them for the notion that women pop out those babies, all pink and round and perfect, and then their stomachs deflate like a balloon that a kid lets go just to hear the fart noise it makes as it races around the room.

To add insult to injury, they then have the audacity to portray these post partum women wearing their size 2 pre-pregnancy jeans while holding their three day old infant. Excuse me? That's not realistic. (Yes, I know there are women out there that can actually do this but I reserve the right to pretend they don't exist since they make all of us normal women look bad. I also reserve the right to hate them since the closest I've ever come to a size two is when I got lost in the ladies section and ended up in the juniors.)

Outside of the movies, the woman gives birth and still looks like she's packing fetus up in there. The only difference is that it's all jelly jiggly now instead of baby carrying firmness. The sad thing is, that it's now four kids later, and I'm still shocked to see that the baby bump (A.K.A. the baby mountain) remains after the baby is removed from the equation. You'd think I'd remember how this process works. Apparently the baby amnesia extends to that too. (For those of you who don't know what baby amnesia is, it's the process a woman goes through where she forgets all the pain and fear of childbirth, making it seem like a vague memory. It's how we end up having more than one child.)

Reality called and it looks a lot like this.

What this means is that women get to feel super fantastic about their post baby bodies by continuing to wear their maternity clothes! Nothing says "I created a miracle and feel great about it!" like wearing pregnancy stretch panels when your newborn is a week (or twelve) old. I was all excited to have my wardrobe back too. All the new clothing combinations now available! Until I looked down and saw a humpback whale where my stomach should be. Oh, yes, that's right. I forgot that was there for a minute.

So thanks Hollywood, for lying to me. For making think I could look like Jennifer Aniston does after she gives birth on the big screen. For portraying those post partum chicks as skinny, clear eyed, well rested women. In the meantime, I'm going to invest in Spanx. Lots and lots of Spanx. And possibly some duct tape.