Who Wears The Pants Now?

Do you want to know who wears the pants now? I do. That's right, today was the first day I wore non-stretchy and/or maternity pants in five months. Yup, pants with actual zippers and buttons. Big girl pants. That I was wearing today. For the first time in a long time. Go me!

I miss the stretchy panel freedom. Sigh.

Pregnancy is great in that you don't have to suck your flabby gut in for at least 5 months. Sometimes six if you're really skinny and start to show early. (Although if you're really skinny you probably don't know what sucking your gut in means, now do you you skinny bitch?) Once you start to show you make the transition to stretchy pants. Probably not maternity pants right away because they're made for big girl pregnancy bellies. Like I-haven't seen-my-feet-in-months bellies. So it starts with yoga pants, sweats, and leggings.

Then you do start to need the big ol' maternity pants. Wow, they look like regular pants on the bottom but the top has a stretchy fabric designed to fit over the gestating belly! Amazing! At first I was irritated having that elastic hiked up over the ginormous belly, stopping just a millimeter shy under boobtopia. But as the days went on, I kinda got used to it. In fact, with the really cold weather we had, I felt a smidgen warmer since I had extra skin covered. Between the height of the pants and the length of the shirts, I was pretty well covered the last few months of my pregnancy.

Then you have the baby and still have The Belly. So you probably still wear the maternity pants. If it's your first kid, this more than likely bums you out. If it's the second, third and so on, you expect this. You might even be like me and revel in your elastic freedom for just a little bit longer. After all, you know that Hollywood (and your cousin "I'm a size zero" Anna) lied to you about returning to a size six fourteen minutes after giving birth. You've been inducted into "The Real Woman's Club" where spit up happens, yoga pants become a staple wardrobe piece, and cookies might have been breakfast this morning as you carpooled on a mere three hours of sleep because you have a newborn in the house.

Thus the day does come that you are too small for your maternity pants and have to transition back into regular pants. That zip and button and pinch and squeeze. (Because my real women's club comes exclusively with a muffin top and stretch marks too! Oh joyous day!) So you re-learn the painful art of sucking it in and wearing uncomfortable pants because you are horrified to buy the next size up and would rather just squeeze into the size you have. Because it's the size you want to be. If you wear it, it's your size. So cramming myself into my size 10's is preferable to lounging casually (and comfortably) in a size 12. (It's Woman Logic 101.)

As long as you aren't busting buttons off and potentially blinding some well meaning man walking by with said flying buttons, it's a good day. Even if I do have two muffin tops and a scary desire for spanx.