How To Be Miserable In 30 Minutes or Less

I'm thinking about writing a letter to the people in charge of late night television. (I say thinking because there's a 93.7% chance it'll never come to fruition.) I think they need to revamp their programming and consider that bleary eyed moms with brand spanking new babies are their current demographic.

And we don't appreciate the extreme weight loss infomercials.

Now, to be fair, they probably don't expect anyone to be watching television at 4:30 in the morning which is why they have crap like this on in the first place. (Which begs the question why do they have anything on at 4:30 then? And why did they make the infomercial to begin with if it's going to be run when only 3 percent of the population is viewing it? But I digress.)

Do you know what I sat watching, half awake with a nursing baby at my breast, at 4:30 in the morning? A bunch of skinny people who were spouting a bunch of crap like, "I didn't think a 30 minute work out was really going to do anything for me. But here I am now, 40 pounds skinnier and loving life." Screw you paid actors. I hate you and your teenage boy bodies. Especially as I sit here with baby number four in my arms and all his pregnancy weight still on my hips and stomach.

The biggest problem with these damn infomercials about weight loss? They start to suck me into their bullshit. Fifteen minutes of watching fat people sweat their way into six pack abs and I'm now convinced that I could have six pack abs. Never mind the fact that I have never had six pack abs, even when I was at my fittest. Six testimonials later and I'm almost reaching for the phone to sign myself up for some torturous exercise regimen that I know I'm too old and too out of shape to do. I'm smart enough to know my body doesn't bend that way anymore, so why would I try to do it anyway? Because these charismatic spawns of Satan have convinced me that it is all I truly need to get myself back into shape. They're evil I tell you. Evil.

Even better than all of that is their lame ass hand signal for the product. It's P90X3. So the guy crosses his arms in an X and has 3 fingers out on his left hand. Wow. Cool. I would never have been able to think up a gesture as cool as that. Kudos dude. Seriously.

What's the product? Hawkeye W?

So tonight when 4:30 rolls around and I'm watching late night television that is not supposed to be viewed by anyone with a pulse, I'm going to look for a new infomercial. Maybe one with charismatic cheerleaders with obsessive compulsive cleaning tendencies to suck me into a new miracle cleanser for my bathroom. At least then I wouldn't need to suck in my gut and squeeze into a spandex work out suit. Unless I wanted to, and let's face it, no one over 95 pounds really does.