Dealing With Passive Aggressive A-holes

Why does it always seem like there's some passive aggressive jerk whenever you go out in public with a small infant or child? Do these people have radar or something? How do they know to time their entrance so well? Do you think it's a cult?

Admittedly, I have little patience for passive aggressive a-holes who have to make their snide observations, which basically amount to the equivalent of a barbed comment wrapped in a thinly veiled nicety. Like when you point out that you finally get to see my child. Really? When did I sign a disclaimer that states I will expose my brand new child to every person I have ever made an acquaintance with in my life? Because I don't remember that. If I have relatives in my own family that haven't even seen my child, why should I feel guilty that you, someone who has no blood relation and a total of 12 conversations between us, hasn't seen my child? He's only been home 3 weeks, we haven't made it to the J's jet. (Jackass is thine name.)

And also, it's like negative freezing outside. I'm really not planning on toting him outside more than I have to. Just taking a trip to the local Tar-jay (ours is a really sophisticated one, hence the special emphasis on the second syllable) is a big fricking deal now, not only because it's still winter but because it's PUBLIC. I'm okay with it only because I have the cart as a buffer. If you piss me off by trying to breathe too closely to my baby, I can haul ass on wheels. Yeah, that's right, just try to catch me in my souped up little red cart now!

Oh, and did you miss the part where he was born two months early? I spent a month visiting him in the hospital. I'm so paranoid about germs that I'm on the verge of constructing a plastic bubble to see him through until he goes to kindergarten. I'm considering researching therapists so that when he needs therapy for the smothering, over protective nutcase his mother was, I can recommend some good ones. (It's always good to be prepared, right?)

Did you read that sentence where I mentioned that he spent a month in the hospital? That's 30 days and 30 nights of empty arms. Do you really think I'm sharing him with many people right now period? I have to remind myself to let his daddy have bonding time with him and I'm married to the man! Since I'm not married to you, I feel less inclined to just pack him up and hand him over. On the off chance that I deem you worthy of being within 3 feet of my little angel, be prepared for the possibility of filling out a medical history and signing an oath that you haven't been ill, or near someone ill, in the last 6 years. It's ok, it's precautionary.

So the next time you think of making a passive aggressive remark, don't. You never know what type of claws that us mama bears have. And you probably don't want to find out either.