My Top Five Do-Overs

Everyone tells you that you shouldn't have regrets, which is completely stupid since I haven't met one single person who doesn't have at least one small regret. And anyone who does say they don't have a regret is probably lying. I mean, aren't you even remorseful for not having a french toast bagel this morning instead of a boring old yogurt?

Anyway, as I was saying, everyone has regrets. Here are the top five things I would change if I ever got a do over:

Number 5: Not being a yes Mom.
In most households, Moms get the sucky job of being the disciplinarian parent. Dad's the fun one who makes armpit farts and blanket forts. Mom's the one who nixes lego flinging fights and chocolate pudding finger painting with white shirts on. A Mom's most commonly used phrase probably contains some form of NO. (No, not right now, not this year, not tonight but maybe tomorrow....and on and on.) What would it hurt to say yes a little more and let them be kids? Why can't Mom be the fun every once in awhile? So next time my kid wants to play with play dough on the carpet, I'm going to live on the wild side and say.... "Maybe."

Number 4: Not enjoying my awesome, kick ass metabolism when I had the chance.
Getting older comes with wisdom, a 401K, and a slower metabolism. Had anyone told me that in my 30's I would look at a piece of cake and gain 5 pounds, I would have had twice as much cake in my teens. The "good old days" when my metabolism was like, "Bring it. I can sweat out those cheeseburger, fries, and milkshake calories in my sleep. Give me a challenge already."

Number 3: Not using my pregnancy perks more.
I never wanted to be one of those prima donna pregnant women who batted their eyelashes and asked their husband to lift that heavy can of soda for them. In my mind I was pregnant, not dead. The truth of the matter is, everyone likes the idea of a new baby and pregnant mamas are the way those new babies come to be. So why not take advantage of all that solicitousness and enjoy it? It wasn't an idea I embraced until my last pregnancy, and this was mostly because I felt old and bloated and too damn tired to argue. If I was smarter, I would have has the same instinct in my first three pregnancies. "Oh dear, I do declare, I must have one of those delicious bon bons. Be a dear and bring me a case, would you?"

Number 2: Not finding an awesome personal trainer when my budget wasn't blown by diapers, daycare and braces. You know, pre-kids.
I hate exercising. I know,I know, a lot of people do. I think if I had trained myself at a younger age to like exercise, maybe me, myself, and my metabolism wouldn't have a hate-hate relationship today. Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself. If I had been smart, I would have found a female personal trainer to torture me into running a marathon or some crap like that. Someone that would have looked amazing and made me hate her when I obsessively compared my own body to her super fit one. Someone to make me love exercise (shudder) thus making my struggle to lose this pesky pregnancy weight a non-issue. (Hey, it's my delusion, let me have it.)

And the biggest regret I have? Not marrying Channing Tatum. Ha! Kidding.

Number 1: Not being born to rich parents. (Seriously, what was I thinking?)
People who say that money can't buy happiness aren't trying hard enough. Because you know what sucks? Not having money. You know what also sucks? Not having money AND being in debt because you were stupid and wished you had money and fell into a credit card trap. It happens to the best of us. Or maybe the dumbest of us, either way. Those people who preach about money and happiness are probably the ones who have all the money and have everything they need, not to mention want, and ran out of things that amaze and astound them and are miserable because they sucked the joy right out of their own lives. I wouldn't make that mistake. I'd make sure there there were still some wonders to behold. I'm serious! All I'm asking is that someone give me the chance to prove I could do it. (Where's a winning lottery ticket when you need one?)