Things I Never Thought I'd Have To Say

When you become a parent, you always vow never to sound like your own parents. (Which is usually futile because your parents also wished that you'd have a child just like you so of course you have to say the exact same things.) But even if you don't channel your Mom or Dad's voice, there are some things you end up saying to your kids that you never thought you'd say. Here are some of my favorites. And in case my sarcasm font is broken, add heavy sarcasm to the word favorites.

Please don't pee on me! If you've said this, it's more than likely to your son and probably during a diaper change. I'm also willing to bet that it's already happened, which is why you're praying it doesn't happen again. For me, it was the very first diaper change after coming home from the hospital. With my first child. I was inducted into the "Been Peed On" club early. (If you're a member of this club before having children either I'm really disturbed or you're a nurse.) Two more sons later (because I never had this problem with my daughter) and I've been peed on by all of my sons, even with all of my precautions. During a bath or a diaper change, those stealthy little streams of urine have found my person somehow.

Don't lick the dog. Yes, I've really said this. Usually you worry about the dog licking your children, not the other way around. My middle boy loved his doggie. A lot. He loved riding him like a pony, jumping on him, and, well, licking him a time or two. Luckily the dog sheds a lot which made this a short lived phase. I guess even my boy couldn't overlook the mouth full of dog hair. Well, that and he was only a year and a half old.

Can you just give Mama a burp? Is there anything worse than being awake at 3 in the morning? Yes, being awake at three in the morning with an infant who refuses to burp. You've changed him, you've fed him, and now a gaseous belch is all that's standing between you and a precious two and a half hours of blissful shut eye. Except he apparently hates burping and is that much more reluctant the more desperate Mom is to get back to sleep. The youngest son is so polite, refusing to offend with burping until he can speak his "excuse me's",  that I have to beg for most of the burps that has given me. Not to mention that it's weird to ask for gassy emissions, isn't it?

If you poop, you'll get a sticker. Yes, the potty training perils. You can lead a toddler to the toilet, but you can't make him poop. I've heard many theories as to why they'll pee in the potty without a fuss but won't have a bowel movement. (The fancy term for crap!) What it boils down to is that you're left with a frustrated parent and a stubborn toddler. So you try a reward. If you just poop, you'll get a sticker/lollipop/cookie. Whatever will work. In essence, you are begging your child for their feces. So I've now asked for gas AND poop from my children. Ah, the joys of parenting.

Can you just puke in the garbage can? My daughter is a magnet for every single germ on the planet. When she was younger she had ear infections, pneumonia, strep throat, impetigo, fifths disease, stomach viruses and anything else that you could think of. But anytime she had a cough, she'd cough so hard that she would end up throwing up. In the middle of the night. In her bed. My lovely little girl would just sit up and vomit all over herself and her bedding, no matter if I had placed a waste basket with a fresh plastic bag by her bedside or not. I think I spent more time changing bedding and bathing her between the hours of 1 and 4 in the morning than during normal daylight hours. And every time I would plead, "Can't you just throw up in the garbage? It's right next to your bed?"

Huh, now that I look at this list, I see that they're all related to some sort of bodily fluid. You either want them or you don't want them, but in the end you still get them all. Which just goes to show you that parenting truly is a messy business and not for the faint of heart! (Or stomach!)