Mad Musings From Modern Mom Mayhem

So spring has finally sprung. Since spring is my favorite season, I usually get annoyed at anyone who tries to bring me down from my cloud. This year there are quite a few things raining on my parade.

First and foremost: Shaving. Ah yes, the joys of being a modern woman in America. In America, women are allergic to 50% of their body hair and thus remove it by plucking, waxing, shaping, or shaving. Once the weather warms up and we shed layers, we showcase our paper white legs again with capris and shorts. Since the Sasquatch look is so 1980's, shaving is a necessary evil. In the winter, however, we get spoiled by not having to haul out the razor as often because no one sees our legs anyway. Now that we're showing off the gams, we have to shave more often. Which sucks. Whose idea was it to take a sharp, potentially lethal object and scrape off layers of hair and skin from our body? I'm pretty sure this could be a form of torture in some countries. And yet we blithely accept this as the norm and buy stock in shaving cream and pink razors.

Second on my list: Fair weather walkers/boarders/bicyclists. Once it's sunny and warm and 70, people want to be outside more. This results in more walking or bike riding or jogging. Why does it always seems like they're right in your way when you're trying to get somewhere? And pedestrians always have the right of way, so you're stuck there waiting for them to saunter across the street at their own pace. What I really want to say to them is, "Yes, it's fabulous that YOU get to leisurely stroll the city on a gorgeous spring day. But some of us are trying to get back to work because their lunch hour is up. It was probably foolish of us thinking we could get that errand done and get back in time, but again, we don't have the luxury of being able to traipse around town in magenta walking shorts that just happen to accent the jogging stroller that holds a perfectly behaved pod person three year old child."

Third on the list: Maniac drivers. I'm not sure what it is lately, but people seem to have an aversion to using their directional signals.  This makes me insane. You see it everywhere: On the highway, merging from one lane to another and back again. On the city streets, turning in residential areas. With the car that likes to cut everyone off. What the hell people? Did we somehow forget about the plastic stick on the side of the steering wheel that turns on a light to tell people which way our 2 tons of machinery is going? The one that causes a lot of damage if smacked into something because no one knew you were turning? Was it too difficult to figure out the flipping it down indicates one direction, but flipping it up was a different direction? I think people need to go back to driving school. Or maybe they should have stricter standards and stop passing everyone with 2 eyes and working limbs.

And if it's not those idiots, it's the ones who do almost hit you and when you pass them, they're chatting it up with the cell phone up to their ear. Hello?! Is your conversation worth more than my life? Because I'm pretty sure my kids would miss me more than your great Aunt Myrtle would miss that conversation you're having that's taking your attention away from your driving. Priorities people!

Last, but not least, on the list: Yard Overachievers. Every neighborhood has at least one of them. These are the people who have perfect lawns all year round. If a single blade of grass is missing, they plant a single seed to replace it. And they're starting now. It doesn't matter that we're only 48 seconds into spring. They are determined to get started on achieving the perfect lawn status for the 7th consecutive year. Meanwhile, my lawn looks like a traveling circus wandered through and left its mark. There are patches where there isn't even one single speck of grass, just a big circle of dirt. We have something mimicking grass over in that section of the yard. We aren't sure what it is but so long as it's green, even if it's not the right shade, we're not complaining. Five minutes ago we were just happy that our grass to dirt ratio was 3 to 1. Now we have to be envious that the lawn gestapo has come to town. Knock it off! You're making the rest of the neighborhood think we actually have to put time and attention on our lawns. Personally, I don't have time for that! My lawn will just have to have grass envy.

I guess the moral of the story is this: The next time you're shaving and driving, make sure you use the directional on your cell phone to let people know how much better your lawn is.