No News is Good News

I can't watch the news anymore. I know that's probably not very sophisticated of me. I should want to know what's going on in my community and the world at large, right? You'd be wrong. Every time I DO happen to watch the news, one of two things happens. 1.) I get really sad or upset. 2.) I get really pissed off.

Why do I get sad and upset? Hmm, probably because the lead story is always the worst, most terrible thing that happened that day. They don't start you off with rainbows and kittens and cute babies, they jump right into killer whales massacred by terrorists with machine guns who take candy from babies and then sell those babies on the black market. It's a slow news day if the lead story is a robbery. You know they're probably thinking, "Oh crap, we don't have anything juicier than the robbery on Main Street. What? The cashier wasn't even hurt?! Not even a little bit? This sucks."

I also get sad when anything bad happens to little kids. Child abuse, neglect, they lost their kitten.....it's all the same. I'm probably crying and snotting (because I can't be one of those women who cry prettily, can I? Noooo.) and cursing mankind for the cruelty they've bestowed on this poor hapless child who's now either going to turn out to be a mass murderer or require 37 years of therapy to be an emotionally well adjusted human being. Inevitably, my husband will take that moment to come in and see me crying and snotting, shake his head, and walk back out. Because he knows my brand of crazy.

Now I'll tell you why I end up pissed off when I watch the news. (I know you were hoping I would. You're welcome.) The biggest reason is that if I am watching the news, it's probably only because I want to know what the weather is going to be. Which probably means I've heard a storm was a comin' or they've run teasers every 10 minutes. (Teasers are when the weatherman says something ominous like, "A warm start to the day but will it take a turn for the worse tomorrow? Find out more on News Channel 10 at 11.") So I'm staying up until 11 to find out the weather, which is a ridiculous time to have news on in the first place, and you can't even give me a forecast until quarter after? What the hell people? Just give it to me in the first 3 minutes of the newscast. I'm tired and I want to go to bed but I need to know if I should press the snooze button less tomorrow morning because I have to un-bury my car. Is that so much to ask?

I also get angry at pet abuse stories, child abuse stories, and cats stuck in trees. (Who was the irresponsible owner who let the poor cat get all the way up that tree?) Of course, I'm probably crying over these stories first. After I've blown my nose 3 times and stopped blubbering, I'll get ticked off at humanity and "How can people do things like that?" and immediately want to track the culprit down and smack them into next Sunday. But it's quarter after 11 and I'm tired, so I'll probably pass and just go to bed.

So, I'm probably skipping the news tonight. I haven't heard there's a storm coming. Like they say, "No news is good news and if it's bad news, I'm not watching so it doesn't count."