Blame The Name Game Shame

When did it become uncool to name your kids something normal? And not only make the name normal, but spell it the way that it was intended to be spelled. Remember laughing at the Beatrices, Herberts, Enids, and Ernests of our grandparent's generation? Now our kids get to do the same with John, Michael, Jane, and Anne.

I get that, as parents, you want your kid to be individual and a name is an important part of a person. But you DO realize, that even if you name him Michael but spell it Mykel, that his name is never going to spelled right and probably mispronounced his entire life. Do you really want to ensure a decade and a half of name frustration and your kid having the yearbook misspell his name? And please tell me, what is so wrong with just spelling it Michael in the first place. For ages and ages this was acceptable and then you came along and said, "Nope. Too plain. Let's change it." Now they're adding all sort of letters that just don't need to be there (Kyleigh instead of Kylie) and God forbid we use an i now when y is a perfectly good substitute. Which is how we end up with Maddyson and Symon and Jasmyn. (Conversely, names that should have y now get anything but. Aimee instead of Amy. Kathi instead of Kathy.) Wasn't it bad enough we had names like Sarah and some people would leave the H off? Or if the person's name is Steven versus Stephen. We had to add more name issues? Really?

The parents who creatively spell aren't half as bad as the ones who seemingly pick names randomly. Perhaps we should stop letting women pick names when she's pregnant. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones that are wreaking havoc with the naming process. Like naming your kid Nike because the ad you saw one night was really cool and wouldn't that be a different name? But you could pronounce it like Mike and not like the shoe company. Or the people who are "in tune" with their spiritual side and name their kids Raine or Myst or, my personal favorite: Neveah, which of course is heaven spelled backwards.

Now people name their kids after states, or cities, or their favorite band. It's all fodder for naming potential. Listen people, do what every other person normally does: Give your kid their own secret shame name. This is their middle name. Name them something normal for their first name and then go crazy with the middle name. Because how many people really get to know your middle name? Parents, best friend, spouse, kids, undertaker. That's what, a half dozen to a dozen tops? So give him a normal first name like Jonathan. Then let your creativity flow and make his middle name Sayler, for his Dad's love of water recreation. Your daughter can go to school confidently as Carrie and at home she can be called Carrie Amethyst Jones. You can still tell everyone Carrie is short for what you really wanted to name her: Carnelian, a gemstone that reminded you of the sunset on the beach where you met your husband., until you smartened up and realized that's a mouthful and Carrie is a much lighter albatross to hang around her neck.

And for God's sake people, DO NOT try to give them some cutesy, funny, or original full name. If your last name is Johnson, don't name your son Harry. If your last name is Bowe, don't name your daughter Rain. You'd think this would be a given, bad sadly, there are probably some people out there who have named their kids Paradise Cruise or Richard Dick or Cash Rich.

So for all the moms-to-be out there: Put down the baby name book. At least until after the baby is born. You could save your child up to 20% of therapy required later.