Winter Cramming

So, it seems that Mother Nature did not study for her finals. Indeed, she has been cramming all her snowiest work into the last few weeks, probably hoping to get extra credit from Father Time. (I hear he's a wicked strict professor.) What she hasn't learned is that you do sloppy work when you're rushed. Tsk, tsk, Momma N! Haven't you learned anything this semester? You're giving us snow that's turning to sleet and freezing rain because it's not quite cold enough. Not some of your best work. Probably a B-.

Every weekend for the last month, we've had dire weather predictions. What I want to know is why she's picking on weekends? What did we do to piss her off so much that she wants to crap all over the only good thing in our overworked and underpaid lives? Are we not allowed to just enjoy the weekends already? Apparently we are not. Instead we have to haul out the shovels and salt and boots again when all we really want to do is celebrate spring, which is never going to come because it's buried under snow, sleet, and ice.

You know that when they're predicting snow there's a mad dash for water, toilet paper, bread, and milk. And if you doubt the veracity of this statement, head on over to YouTube and watch the bread and milk video. That pretty much sums up every single person in the state of New York when ever there's even a few inches of snow coming. I'm not sure what the correlation between a snow forecast and the need for preparing for the apocalypse is, but it's there. And we have the 32 rolls of toilet paper and 4 cases of water to prove it.

So half the population (the kids) are doing insane rituals for snow days (Have you heard about the spoon under the pillow and the fork in the freezer? Or is it the other way around?) and the adults praying that the damn snow would just go the hell away already. We need sun. And warmth. And temperatures higher than 35. And did I mention sun? We'd like an entire week to go by with 0% chance of snow. Don't think you can substitute rain either. Let's amend that to an entire week without precipitation. Just sun. And 40 degrees. And cartoon birds and smiling rainbows. (If you're really seeing cartoon birds and smiling rainbows, please see your doctor for an adjustment in your medication dosage.)

What Mother Nature fails to understand is that she's slowly making us insane. We can see the light at the end of the snowy, white, frigid tunnel, but we're not quite there yet. But we're pretty sure if we have to deal with any more snow we're going to lose it. Lose. It. I'm talking babbling like lunatics in pretty, white jackets that "give you a hug". We're crying Uncle.  We need a Mai Tai and a Prozac. We are 5 minutes away from "Come closer to the glass Clarice" crazy.

So Mother Nature, if I let you borrow my notes and promise to help you study, will you lay off us already? I'm trying to get my Spring on here and your Winter is cramping my style.