Extreme Home Makeover: Hell Edition

Have you ever seen the show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? Where Ty Pennington comes to your house, and using a bullhorn, announces to your household (as well as the neighboring 3 counties) that you've been chosen for a remodel. Then he shoves you in a limo, you go on vacation for a week, and when you come back there's a fabulous new house. Do you know why all these people were sent on vacation? Because living through home remodeling projects is HELL.

I'm probably my own worst enemy when it comes to renovation slash fix it projects because my motto is "The more, the merrier." If I'm going to be miserable having my house torn apart and creating chaos, why not just do it all at once? That sounds very logical, doesn't it? And yet my husband actually had the nerve to ask me if I thought we would be able to accomplish more if we both worked on one project at a time. Um, no, I really don't. If the credo states that two heads are better than one, than why can't two projects be better than one? Or three be better than two? Hell, let's just take a sledgehammer to every room in the house and just get crazy with sheet rock. Okay, I might be getting a little carried away here....

The thing is, this man is married to me. And has been for a long time. He knows I'm only three steps away from a white padded room most days. Why he thought I would suddenly start to think like a man all of a sudden is beyond me. Especially if he can't give me irrefutable proof that he's right. Logically I think that having at least 2 projects makes sense. If you are stalled for some reason in one room, move on to the next. See? No wasted time. Efficient AND effective. Bam! I'm like the Emril of the home improvement world. Besides, my twisted thought process considers 10% of progress on three projects better than 30% progress on one project. (Yes Captain Mathmetician, I realize it's the same percentage.)

Since I've been living with drywall dust and compound goop and paint samples and have not blown a gasket, I'm thinking I deserve a party. Or a medal in the very least. A twinkie? A piece of gum? Come on people, that's got to be worth something. I haven't even threatened to kill my husband one single time since we've started these new projects. That's huge progress. Maybe I should ask for a medal for that too. If you doubt what a huge accomplishment this is, ask my co-workers how often I've mentioned certain people should be stabbed in the head with a fork. Voila! Free frontal lobotomy! (I blame my bloodthirsty nature on Wile E. Coyote. If only I hadn't seen him try to kill that road runner week after week.)

Maybe my lack of responsiveness to the craziness that has become my house is a sign of maturity. (Which means I'm suing Toys R Us for their promises of not having to grow up. Damn false advertising!) Then again, it could just be that I'm too tired to give a crap because I've been doing home improvement products. At any rate, if you do come for a visit, please don't be alarmed that one side of the house is leaning more than the other. I'm pretty sure that's completely normal........