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Does this seem really random to you? Well, it's really not. My oldest came in to tell me a joke he made up. It goes like this: Bad Idea #2: Arithmetoilet! Do you struggle in math? Do you think going to the bathroom is a waste of time? Then buy the arithmetoilet now and start turning number 2's into number 2 plus 2's! (Are you laughing? This cracked me up.) So of course, I start thinking about infomercials and how charismatic those infomercial guys are and how they could pretty much sell me anything. Even an arithmetoilet.
It's just that I get caught up watching them. Did you ever see the Oxyclean infomercial? I loved that one. I've seen it probably 3 dozen times. They had like 16 different dirty things they used the product to clean. There was something mesmerizing watching the grout on the bathroom floor turn white. I tried Oxyclean once it was "now sold in stores!" It didn't work as well as it did in the infomercial. Probably because it didn't come with the handy demonstrator guy. Maybe it would have worked then. Looking back, maybe I liked the idea of someone coming in to make everything clean, not actually doing it myself. That doesn't seem as fun.
Then there was the Magic Bullet infomercial. I'm pretty much a sucker for any product that will tell me how to cook really easily AND have a comedic infomercial. They suck you in with the "It's the size of a coffee cup and won't take up much room on your counter!" deal. Ok, I have like 4 feet of counter space but I could have a coffee mug on my counter! What's that you say? It makes smoothies, mixed drinks AND can blend omelette ingredients? SOLD. Of course, I ended up talking myself out of this one when someone I knew told me it didn't live up to it's name. SAVED! No wasted money this time.
Probably my most favorite infomercial was for the GT Express sandwich maker. I STILL want one of these things. I have yet to be dissuaded. It has two crescent shaped sandwich wells that just look like they could make me some awesome edibles. If you watch them touting the product they will show you that you can make delicious sandwiches out of last night's leftovers! Well, good. We mostly just let them sit there for 3 or 4 days until I need room in the fridge and I throw them out. I'm sure we'd eat them if only I had a GT Express! Feeling a little snacky but don't want to make an entire cake? Make a mini one! As a special treat, hide a mini candy bar in there for a special surprise. (How much of a surprise is it if I'm the one who put it in there?) And wouldn't this be great? A snack cake for one! I'm sure eating cake all the time is on my diet, right? I poke fun, but if that infomercial came on right now, I'd be glued in front of it. Look, it even comes with a handy recipe book for tons of great things you can make in your GT Express! Omelettes! Cakes! Sandwiches!
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| Oh GT Express, how I covet thee! |
And if you think I'm bad just watching the infomercial, wait until I get to the actual ordering part. "If you call within the next 4 minutes and 38 seconds, we'll give you TWO of everything! That's right! TWO sandwich makers so you can make four sandwiches at once! AND we'll throw in this little bent spatula that makes getting your crap out of the GT even easier! Not sold anywhere else folks, so pony up your credit card information and call today!"
So, if you ever come to visit, don't be surprised if I'm whipping you up a delicious smoothie in my Magic Bullet and making a sandwich in my sandwich maker. (I have to get my money's worth for these damn things that I paid three easy installments of $19.99 for!) And if you go to the bathroom, expect to be quizzed by the Arithmetoilet.
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