Diet Is A Four Letter Word

So it's been a couple weeks since I started to "eat better". I hate using the word diet because, well, it's a four letter word for a reason. A diet conjures images of lettuce leaves and gallons of water and always being starving. Hence the reason I prefer to say that I'm eating better. The only problem is, a few weeks into this, and I'm starting to get a case of the diet cranks. If you need an explanation of this, see below:

I'm not sure why, but there's something about trying to eat healthier that makes me want to eat unhealthy. Yes, I know, that sounds totally absurd. But think about it. If you told your daughter she absolutely, positively cannot dye her hair purple, how much more does she want to dye it purple? I can tell myself that I don't really want a bacon cheeseburger but my inner fat girl is saying, "YOU may not want a cheeseburger but I do. And send along a chocolate shake and some steak fries with that." Which means I spend the rest of the day imagining a chocolate shake and a burger that aren't on my eat healthier menu. Unless it was a tofurkey burger with a soy milkshake. But just the thought of that makes me throw up a little in my mouth. I'm still not convinced that tofu is a real food.

And people wonder why women are so mean? It's probably because we're perpetually on a diet. Diets make you mean. Mean like a snake. A venomous viper. Getting between a dieting woman and her single bite of chocolate that she's allowed herself each week? Well, you're pretty much taking your life into your own hands. 

It doesn't help that all the really yummy foods are terrible for something. Cholesterol, blood pressure, salt intake. They have more damn reasons NOT to eat a piece of fried chicken and not enough good reasons to make me feel like brussel sprouts are a good substitute. If we've managed to send a man to the moon, why can't we make vegetables taste like desserts? Is that really so much to ask for? 

And who was the person that elected cottage cheese as the international diet food mascot anyway? Cottage cheese in, in my opinion at least, nasty. It gives me the creeps just looking at it. Why are lumpy white curds of spoiled milk tasty? Was chocolate pudding out sick the day they threw their hats into the ring for this position? Imagine how lovely a world could be with chocolate pudding as the face of the new diet campaign. If that's not enough, here's a twisted little piece of irony: When women have lumpy cellulite on their thighs, it's likened to cottage cheese. Now explain this to me, because didn't we just establish that cottage cheese is THE diet food. I'm confused. There's too many rules to this game and I don't want to play anymore.

So I'm taking my diet cranks and finding a bakery window I can stand in front of. It's always fun to see them frown at the drool marks I leave on the window.