The Clampetts Hit the Big City

Our town has a rinky dink little podunk mall. It's so small that our food court now consists of a pizza place, a Chinese place, and a cupcake store. We used to have a Subway and an Arby's but I think they were so embarrassed to be in our teeny tiny mall that they left in the middle of the night without even leaving a note. They just packed up their crap and left.

Because of our itsy bitsy mall, once or twice a year we head South an hour and go to a huge two story mall.  Have you ever been a tourist in your own state? It makes me feel like Ellie Mae Clampett when we go there.  "Aw shucks Pa, did you see that there store? They sell pretty sparkly things that you can wear on your ears and fingers. Isn't that a hoot?" Of course, the kids aren't helping our Clampett image because their favorite part of the mall is the escalator. You'd think they've only lived in one story buildings and have never seen a need for a means of getting to the next floor. I'm pretty sure hubby and I could have used it for a babysitter. (Damn! We should have done that! Why do I always have these great ideas after the fact?)

This year, our annual redneck family vacation to the mall was an utter disaster. We were late getting started because a quick trip to the car wash turned into 40 minutes waiting in line. And as soon as a car pulls up behind you, there's no changing your mind and turning around. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just sit your ass in line and wait for your turn to get your car washed. Then hubby tells me that if we want to upgrade our phones, the guy is only there until 4. Sigh. Another hour there. By now it's way past lunch time and we still have an hour to travel to our destination. Let me tell you, being so hungry you could eat your steering wheel can cut a good 10 to 15 minutes off your travel time. There's some sort of relationship between your stomach being empty that makes your foot really heavy.

So the first thing we do when we get to "The Big Mall" is eat. Nothing like travelling to get some lunch. So we eat at our favorite 50's type diner place because they have the best burgers ever. We're back on track. We're going to shop til we drop and tourist it up. Baby boy doesn't eat but 5 bites of lunch. Hmmmm, he didn't eat much breakfast either, and he was whiny last night before bed. That gives the Mom Radar a giant ping. Now I'm praying I'm wrong, but by kid # 3, those sick warning signs are imprinted on my brain. I silently cross my fingers. He made it much longer than we expected he would. About 90 minutes into it he started getting teary and stubborn so we got a drink, sat down, and re-grouped like any good tourists.I look at my boy and get another Mom Radar ping. Baby boy's starting to get sick eyes. So we press our luck a little bit, finish shopping, and manage to get out of there just before Baby boy hit his "I don't think I feel well and I'm cranky because of that and I will throw a tantrum even though I'm 5 if you don't get me the hell out of this place right now" limit.

At the end of the day, the Clampetts were quite a few dollars lighter and everyone got a little something for themselves. Baby boy managed a nap on the way home and Mom's prayers of not having throw up in her car were answered. And I could have sworn, as we were leaving, I heard someone say, "Y'all have a good day now, ya hear?"