Handsy McToucherson Strikes Again

My youngest son, my "baby", is five years old. He turns six in May. I'm pretty sure that he's trying to either drive me crazy or give me a full head of gray hair. Maybe he's going for the bonus round and shooting for both.

So that you don't think I'm a completely terrible parent, I'll start with his good qualities. He's a cuddle bug, he tells his Dad and me that he loves us at least half a dozen times a day, and he has the most incredible baby blues that are going to be trouble for me once he learns how to use them to his advantage. The kid also has touch issues. He seriously cannot walk by something and pass by. He has to stop, look, and then touch and/or play around with it.

Exhibit A. I'm making cookies last night and the cookie dough is sitting on the counter with two spoons in it for dropping the dough on the cookie sheets. He walks over and starts playing with the spoons. "Don't touch that." Away he goes, I'm guessing to annoy his older brother or sister. (He's making it into quite the art form!) Ten minutes later he comes into the kitchen again. This time he's playing with the plastic wrap on the cake that's sitting on the counter. "Stop playing with that." Again he wanders off, probably plotting more mother madness and covertly peeking at my hair to see if there are any new grays. The third time he comes into the kitchen, he starts playing with the measuring spoons on the counter. "Do you HAVE to touch everything?" Now he pouts and leaves the room, probably whispering ancient voodoo hexes on his mean mommy.

At this rate, I'm telling this kid at least 5, 6, 7 times a day to stop touching things. (I'm tempted to get a tape recorder and play it on loop for all his waking hours.) I'm hoping it's a phase. If he's 25 and still cannot walk into a room without finding some object that needs to be poked, pinched, twirled, tugged, or petted, I'm going to, going to, well, I don't know. Probably feel like a failure as a parent, start binge drinking, and become the drunk Aunt at all the Christmas parties who's amusing but a little sad.

Not only does he need to touch things, he can't see a container of any sort and not try to see what's in it. Purses, bags, backpacks, it doesn't matter. If you leave a grocery bag with anything in it in his vicinity for more than a minute and a half, he's poking through it. I'm trying to decide if he's nosy or curious.

So now you know, if you visit my house, you'll see the almost 16 year old comedian, the pre-apocalyptic 12 year old, and Handsy McToucherson. It's like living in a circus sometimes. But I think I'll stay here. There's never a dull moment at least!