A Guy's Guide to Gift Giving for his Gal

Valentine's Day is coming up on Thursday. I know, I know, this holiday doesn't rate as high on the cool factor for guys as say the Superbowl or Monster Truck Rally Day. But for guys in a relationship, Valentine's Day means you need to buy your gal a present. Since I am such a nice person (in print at least), here is my gift giving guide for guys.

CANDY. Now, chocolates are pretty much a staple for ol' Cupid's Day. You can't go anywhere in December (Yes, it starts that friggin early now.) without seeing boxes of foil wrapped hearts containing that lovely nectar of the female species: chocolate. This is a potentially dangerous gift guys. If your girl has been extra sensitive about her weight after the holiday gorge fest, this might not be the best gift. And absolutely, under no circumstances, should you buy the ginormous deluxe box of chocolates. Unless your lady has the metabolism of a cheetah, this is probably getting you in trouble.

FLOWERS. Yes, it's a beautiful sentiment and roses are really gorgeous when those savvy florists are done with the arrangements. Personally, my hubby is under strict orders NOT to buy me flowers for Valentine's Day. Those same savvy floral arrangers also know to mark the price up so much for this holiday of love that you could probably adopt a small country for what you pay. I can't justify the expense. Now January 29th? Or August 3rd? Or even April 15th? Go nuts. Buy me flowers. At least I know that you didn't have to promise our first born in order to pay for them.

LINGERIE. No. This is not a gift for us, it's a gift for you. Unless you have a sex kitten for a girlfriend, (Notice I did not say wife! We all know the sex train stops after the honeymoon!) this is a volatile gift. All lingerie sold in February should include a warning label that says: Caution! Buying this as a Valentine's Day gift could result in serious bodily injury.

JEWELRY. This is another potentially dangerous gift. If you're girlfriend has been hinting at engagements, handing her ANY jewelry box that is not an engagement ring could lead to you sleeping on the couch for the next month. For those married gals, they're probably stressing about grocery budgets and college expenses, so don't be stupid and buy an insanely expensive piece of jewelry. (Unless you have already gotten wife pre-approval.) For all Valentine's Day rookies, you'd probably better steer clear of this gift.

CARDS. I actually prefer cards for Valentine's Day. They can be kept for years so that, when I'm pissed at hubby and considering where I could hide the body, I can pull them out and remember he's really a decent guy and no, I shouldn't kill him. This time. That being said guys, make sure you know what kind of cards your lass likes. I like funny cards because those sappy ones just irritate me, or make me cry, which irritates me more. Some women might feel you're making light of your relationship if you get a funny card, and you'll STILL end up sleeping on the couch.

And for all you gals, the one gift that you can get your guy for Valentine's Day.....well, I don't really have to tell you, do I? It's starts with bow and ends with chicka wow wow.