No Farting At The Table Please

I really try to lead my kids by example. They say that your kids are more likely to practice what you don't preach because they're too busy imitating what you're saying and doing instead. (Again, I'm not sure who they are but they sound like they know what they're talking about.) So I try to set a good example for my kids. Except for the fact that I have too many bad habits to pass on. Yeah, I forgot about that part.

Did you know, when you're trying to set a good example you have to listen politely, say please and thank you A LOT, not swear, never have road rage, and be tolerant of other people. Okay, one or two I could handle, but all of it? That's stretching it.

Granted, of all the bad traits my kids might take away from me, none of them are truly awful. I haven't killed anyone (that they can prove anyway), I don't buy, sell, or partake in any illegal drugs, and I shut down my prostitution ring years ago, so I'm safe there. Unfortunately, some of the things left open, while not completely horrid, are still not pretty. Like my road "rage". I quoted rage because I don't think I qualify as a true rager. I get mad and make sarcastic comments, but I'm not aggressively speeding up and passing everyone who pisses me off, narrowly causing accidents with my cave womanish behavior. I do, however, tend to make comments like, "Nice directional, moron!" or "Oh my god, turn already!" and possibly "Use the freaking median! That's what it's there for!" (This is the G rated version of my comments for when the children are in the car. When they aren't with me there's a lot more F-bombs and A-holes and such.)

Another gem I'm passing onto my children is my supreme lack of patience. This is something I have been working on for years! I've made actual progress. So when people comment now on my lack of patience, my reply is usually: "If you think this is bad, you should have seen me before kids!" I'm hoping the modicum of patience that I have managed to gather can be passed on to my progeny. Then it's their turn to expand on it. Hey, maybe 7 generations from now my great-great etc grand kids will have the temperament of Saint Theresa!

Also, I am not completely sure that my anal retentive, must have it just so, everything in its place mentality is completely healthy either. Quite often I just do things myself because I want them done a certain way (ask my husband about who's allowed to wash laundry in our house) and my precious offspring are seeing me be neurotic on a daily basis. (I'm thinking I should have started a therapy fund instead of a savings account for them.) I'm trying to teach myself to unbend a little but my inner organizational freak is having a tough time letting go.

Lastly, I'm guilty of swearing in front of my kids. I do think that they know every swear word in the book, and probably quite a few that aren't. (If they haven't heard it at home, they ride the bus to school. School buses should be re-named "Vehicles that contain information that you absolutely don't want your child to know".) Don't get me wrong, I don't have the mouth of a trucker or even a sailor. But my kids have heard me say ass so many times that they are probably unaware that it's a cuss word. (Which technically, it's in the bible so I use that loophole to prove it must not be a swear word, thank you very much.) "Dammit!" was my most common exclamation when my son was 3. Which he made me aware of this by parroting it .(At an extremely inopportune time as per the children's handbook rules.) And these are just the ones I'm comfortable admitting in public! Imagine the hair curling stories I could be printing!

So basically, I want my kids to act like their grandparents until their parents can be better role models. Until then, I'll be the one making armpit fart noises and blowing bubbles in my chocolate milk.