Prepare For Plenty of Potty Precautions

I can't seem to leave my house now without without having to pee first. And the more time that you give me, the more times that I'll visit the powder room until the very last possible second, which is right before walking out the door. I wasn't always like this. In fact, I remember being a carefree youth who never worried about using the bathroom. Even if it meant I would have to go in PUBLIC restrooms. I wouldn't care if it had been 5 minutes or 5 hours since I had last gone. I'd just be the rebel that I was and walk right out that door.

So what's changed you ask? It's the addition of kids. After carrying multiple miniature people inside me, with them squashing my bladder and using my kidneys as punching bags, my body isn't what it used to be in its hey day. To top it all off, then you push these little people out of your body, accumulating tears and cuts of sensitive girly areas. There can be some damage done to urethra like places and what not, boiling it all down to having to pee a lot more often that you're used to. 

You know what, you should CALL YOUR MOTHER! Right this second. And apologize for making the woman have to pee every 38 and a half minutes just because she wanted a tiny human to love and call her own. And if your mom had a vaginal birth, THANK HER. Thank her for sacrificing any semblance of a normal vajayjay for the rest of her life. Maybe throw in an apology for not only having a large head (trust me, it was a large head for the area it was coming from) but also for her now knowing what it's like to cough/sneeze/laugh so hard that a smidgen of pee comes out. Because her bladder was never quite right again after the childbirth of 83 or 78 or whenever it was that you made your appearance. And if you were a cesarean section? You better buy that woman some flowers! She had a child who was difficult before it even made it to the outside world. This child was already such a pain in the ass that the doctor had to cut them out of her. She gets a pea size bladder AND a four inch scalpel scar.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I really do. But I would also like to remember what it's like to have a normal size bladder that isn't scared of going into public without having to visit the bathroom 3 times at home. I want to return to the simpler times of not planning store trips and exercise routines around my liquid consumption. Oh, yeah, and I want to not be known as the mom who has to pee before we walk out of the house. It's so commonplace now that as we were leaving one day this week my daughter said, "I'm going to get my shoes on while you pee and we'll both be ready to go at the same time." Am I that predictable? Yes. Yes I am. I can't help it. I've birthed three babies.

So for all the women out there who have iron bladders I say this: Enjoy it sister! Because those babies may be cute, but they'll also give you the fantastic ability to Sneezicuppeeurp. And I'm never quite sure if I should say "God Bless You" or "Oh my ever loving God, what WAS that?"