The Email Equivalent of Cooties

So John Hopkins is trying to figure out a way for those poor, public health clinics to notify partners of patients testing positive for a sexually transmitted ailment so that they can also seek treatment. Really? This is where you thought you could be most beneficial? Not cancer research or stopping Alzheimer's, but effective ways to notify people of STI's? (For those of you who aren't hip to the lingo like I am, STI stands for sexually transmitted infection.)

First of all, let me just say that if you're doing the dirty and you catch something, your penance should be notifying any and all recent partners. I don't even want to hear the words too embarrassed come out of your mouth. Have you heard the saying, "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time"? If you're out there catting around, you should be smart enough to be using some sort of protection. Sot of like when you were a kid and you picked something up and your mother slapped it out of your hand with an admonishment of "You don't know where that's been!" Exactly.

Second, are we really putting the task of notifying any potential afflicted partners to the health department clinics? I mean, these people are doing a good deed having to check out your dripping, itchy, inflamed doo dads and hoo has, and now they have to play messenger service too? That's like going to the laundromat and expecting them to wash all the laundry for people you've hung out with in the last few weeks. How is that their job?

So because of the lack of notification happening, John Hopkins has initiated a study regarding informing infected partners via email or text message. Wait a minute, back up a second. Did you just say email? First, let's assume that you actually know the email address of your one drunken hook up. Are they going to look at an email that says, "You've got herpes. Click for details." and not think it's spam or a practical joke, or a virus? This ranks right up there with the Viagra emails. You know no one's reading them either. How about "Chlamydia: It's not a flower but you are the lucky recipient!" Or my favorite: "That smell you've been wondering about? Get it checked out. Drop John's name for a group discount."

If the email actually does make it through your bullshit scanner, how do you think the person is going to feel knowing that A.) You gave them the itch and the burn and B.) You didn't even have the balls to tell them in person. Honestly, the only thing worse than an STI notification in your inbox would be hanging out with the girl friends and receiving that really embarrassing text that says "Last wk clam bam=VD. Sry. TTYL. John" Thanks for the heads up. Really appreciate the use of texting. Not inappropriate at all. Of course, I'll talk to you later. Please notice the extreme use of sarcasm as I spew these platitudes.

So the next time you're going through your email and you have another one of those Nigerian lottery winners spam emails? It could be worse. It could be the Nigerian President offering you a sample of Viagra after informing: "Genital Warts: They Can Happen to Anyone. Congrats, today you're Anyone."