The Bouncing Bundle of Baby, Um, Bootie

I went to a baby shower yesterday. I swear, if you go to one of these for a non-family member, it brings you back to high school, doesn't it? I never know half of these people so I can't find my kind. (Nerdlings are harder to spot once we learn how to dress and trade contacts for our glasses.) So I end up picking a table and hoping at least one person is either snarky, sarcastic, or nerdy like me.

When you go to a family baby shower, you don't have this problem. These people are stuck with you and vice versa. You can find your cool aunt or a cousin that's close to your age or even your Nana who needs supervision when she chews so, " Tag, you're it!" Your family IS your clique. They're your peoples.

But I found out that I can't go to baby showers anymore. Not only did my uterus give a big "aw, look a baby" twinge over the 4 day old infant that was in attendance (Look how popular she is to be getting party invites after only being here 4 days!) but it screamed so loud I'm surprised people didn't turn and look at us. After reminding my yearning uterus that there are no more babies for us, the gift opening started.

Oh, yeah, here's another reason I can't birth no babies. The crap. Not poop, I can handle that. But all the gear that you need to haul this bundle of joy around after popping them out. If I had known how much easier it was to carry them around in the ME carrier, even with feet stuck all the way up into my ribs, I might not have complained about the last trimester of my pregnancy. (Ok, I still would have complained because it's hard being a whale on dry land and not complain. But I might have made a concession and griped less.) It's all this stuff that's designed to carry their ass, wipe their ass, or cover their ass. That's a lot of ass related materials!

It doesn't help that this is another area where my inner 1950's housewife comes out. Because as she's opening all this crap (after my own 3 kids) I'm inwardly thinking, "She won't use that. She'll use that maybe 3 times. That's a godsend. Why does she need that? She'll find out that's a lot more trouble than it's worth." You can't tell new moms that though. They truly don't want to benefit from your experience when it comes to baby bootie. They want to be able to pick out the things they (think) are going to be useful, and I'm not saying they shouldn't be allowed to. But they make so much baby junk now that it's hard to tell the fluff from the meat and potatoes. There should be a guide to what they're really going to need and what stuff is just designed to sell under the guise of making things easier. Maybe I should write that manual. It would be this:

1. Don't go crazy. Get basics and figure out what additional pieces are needed as you go on.
2. Borrow or Re-purpose. Once you're done with babies, you're stuck with all this crap. Borrow or garage sale to find items you can re-finish (like dressers or changing tables or even rockers.)
3. You don't HAVE to put the most expensive item on your registry. More money doesn't always make it the best one.
4. Find someone who has had kids within the last few years and ask them what things are really important. Personally I would say: Bouncy seat, hand covers/mitts, nuk pacifiers, a boppy pillow, and big furniture is the crib, stroller, and infant carrier.
5. If you have a shower, have a book there with tips that experienced parents can write down for you. You will think you won't need help but if Aunt Sally tells you how she dealt with a colicky baby and it ends up working for you, it's a priceless piece of information.

And last but not least:
6. Take pity on all us Moms who are done having babies but still have yearnings....call us when that baby's born so we can come over and hold them and breathe in that fresh baby smell.