Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Random Thoughts from Mayhemville

I believe there should be a new job in all produce stores. The title of the position would be "Pineapple Person". He or she would be responsible for handing me a perfectly ripe pineapple at which point I would inspect it, hand it back, and politely inform the pineapple person that I will be back in 20 minutes for my cut up pineapple. Because I hate cutting up fresh pineapple, but it's so much better than the stuff they sell that they've already cut up for you. Is it mind over matter? Who cares, just give me my fresh fruit pineapple boy.

Why does Facebook feel the need to suggest friends for me? I could understand if I only had 2 or 3 people in my list. Then Facebook would probably be thinking, "Dude, that's so pathetic. Here, be friends with these people." But once you're past 50, I think you've proved to Facebook that yes, you do know people. (Or yes, you do have a lot of relatives. Either way.) And it's always based on people you're already friends with. So I'm supposed to know Kevin Smith because both my sister and her college roommate know him? And what about the people you do know but don't want to be friends with? (In life or on Facebook) Now I just get to feel guilty that I don't want to befriend them on a social network as their profile picture stares at me from the right side of the screen.

Now that I think about it, there should be a Produce Person, not just a Pineapple Person. Their job would consist of being knowledgeable about all the produce in the store. Because what if I get an insane urge to eat escarole but I don't know what it looks like or how to cut it? How do I know if kiwi is over ripe? What the hell are those funky looking fruits and what do you do with them? This person could be like the Wikipedia of the produce section. I could go in and randomly quiz them for fun. Think how much less boring grocery shopping could be!

Do you think that there's an encyclopedia of sayings and their origins? There should be. Because what sick bastard came up with the saying "Killing two birds with one stone"? And how many attempts, not to mention innocent birds, were harmed in the making of this cliche? And where did we get the expression, "Curiosity killed the cat."? Were our ancestors sick, demented people who enjoyed killing animals to prove a point?  And how about "Fit as a fiddle"? How the hell do I know how fit a fiddle is? And was this really the best comparison we could come up with? "Cat got your tongue?" Was this really a problem in the olden days? How many times did this happen in order for the phrase to catch on?

Where did the term babysitter come from? Did people actually sit on babies to keep them from running off? Was the phrase babyminder already used? What about babywatcher? Babyprotector?Babysafetyensurer? Honorable Guard of Innocent Lives? I like that one. It's kind of important sounding. Like it comes with a pay raise.

Why do people always assume I mean dumbass in a derogatory way? When I say dumbass, I mean it in the nicest, most loving way possible. (I also say it as one word, no space! Yeah, I'm a rebel.) Some people say darling, or sweetie, or lovey. I say dumbass. And moron. Oh, and possibly idiot. All said with as much love as a moronic dumbass idiot deserves.

Upon further contemplation, there should definitely be TWO Produce People. What if the first one is otherwise engaged and I have an emergency question on habanero peppers? What if I'm trying to cook a last minute 4 course meal and I realized I need a fancy salad but I don't know what goes into a fancy salad and have to ask the Produce Person but some twit is asking him some asinine question like "How do you know bananas are ripe?" Then I could just find the second Produce Person to help solve my dilemma.

Who decided that we needed to have 5 work days in a week? Did they think that 4 was too little? Because I'm thinking this is a rule that should be revised. Can we induct Friday into the Weekend Hall of Fame? They're the MVD of the entire week. Surely Friday has earned a position in the weekend line up. And it has nothing to do with gaining an additional weekend day for us poor, overworked schlubs. It's about honoring an under appreciated day.

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