Breaking It Down, Friends Style

Have you ever just let your mind wander and see where it takes you? I do. Often. Now granted, most times it's the mundane mental reminder: Johnny's orthodontist appointment, buy shampoo, write angry letter to psychotic neighbor who's Pomeranian keeps crapping in your flower bed. But other times, you start thinking something and by the time you're done, you honestly start wondering if you were raised by baboons because no rational person thinks of this kind of stupid s**t.

For instance: Today I'm sitting here thinking about a girl I know. I would call her a friend. Not the girls night out kind of friend, or the talk for hours on the phone bitching about your spouses kind of friend, but the kind of friend you would be able to sit and chat pleasantly with and is on your Facebook friends page. Which then makes me think, maybe she's an acquaintance then? But that term applies more to people you only know casually or have met a few times, right? So now I'm thinking there should be a better friends rating system. (See, who thinks of this crap?)

At any given moment, you have probably half a dozen types of friends. And that's what you call them. But I know that there are definitely some people I wouldn't want to hang out with for more than 20 minutes while others I could live with and never be sick of them. So of course, for your reading pleasure, here is my brand new and improved "Friends Breakdown".

1. Hiya friends. These are people that you would say hi to if you saw them (or at least a smile and a nod). You have no desire to spend any of your precious time getting to know them because your day is already too busy to waste. Besides, Jane is a little creepy.....

2. How are you friends. These are the ones you would stop and allow a 5 minute conversation with. "Hi. How have you been? I can't believe your son is getting so big! Wow, look at the time, I've got a root canal in 20 minutes. It was so nice to see you!"

3. Switzerland friends. You would hang out in public for a few hours with these people. They're more than acquaintances but not close friends. You'd lend them a cup of sugar, but probably not your car.

4. Playdate friends. Now that you're a mom, you know junior needs some socialization. How else is he going to make the cut at that hoity toighty private school? So you find parents with other kids his age and gather at parks. This fulfills the mom need to brag about her children with other moms who understand because as soon as you shut up about junior's potty training achievements she's going to tell you about her kid.

5. Work friends. Yes, you may occasionally hang out outside of work, but mostly, these are the people you spend 40 hours a week with. Personally, these girls are more family than my actual family sometimes since we spend so much time together. (And they don't hog the bathroom or leave empty milk cartons in the fridge.) I can be my strange and quirky self with them and they have accepted that I am a few fries short of a happy meal.

6. Close friends. These are people who know your husband's name, your favorite color, and what type of books you like to read. You hang out sometimes and may communicate by telephone or email. You can have long talks and not get bored with each other. You'd let them borrow your car but not a kidney.

7. Best Friends. (Capital letters and everything) This person probably knows more about you than you do. You'd lend them a car, your house, maybe even a child if they needed it enough. You talk often and they're the first person you call when you need sympathetic commiseration.

8. Frenemies. These are the people who you pretend to like but are silently thinking need the biggest bitch slap in the world. They would stab you in the back quicker than you could blink but you're still polite in public because you were raised to be a decent human being. There's probably not enough margaritas in the world to get you to have a 20 minute conversation with them and you never let yourself have your back turned if they're in the room. Just in case.

Keep in mind that this is the friend breakdown for women. Guys are another story altogether. Now that you've gotten the breakdown, you know you're totally categorizing your own friends! Which is useful information should you ever need to borrow a car....or a kidney.