It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a....Flying Bra?

I feel, for the most part, that my readers (with the exception of my husband) more than likely are in possession of a set of ta-tas. But I'd like to take a moment and address the male readership. Guys, I know that you just saw the word ta-tas and got really excited. But I promise you, there's nothing good going on in this blog. Just some boring old chatter about boulder holders and old lady boobies. So why don't you just go get a quick snack and check back in tomorrow, k pumpkin?

So ladies, let me ask you this: When you come home from work, do you do the magic bra trick? This being, of course, when you remove your bra WITHOUT taking off your shirt. (Amaze your friends! Mystify your lover!) It seems to be a handy trick that every woman I personally know has mastered. After nine years, my husband is still amused (and really disappointed) that I can do this hat trick. (Disappointed because he's a man and he's hoping to see something nekkid. Since he's married now and that means he has forsaken all other nekkid ones, he's really hoping his wife will appreciate this sacrifice and play peep show.) As a mom, I've even learned how to remove it ONE HANDED (How talented am I?) while the other hand pours a glass of juice, answers a phone, or performs brain surgery. (Ok, I can't do that last one two handed, let alone one handed. Busted.)

The sad thing is my kids are probably so used to this phenomenon now that outsiders might suspect we live like hippies in a farming commune. My kids have probably seen more of my bra than my husband has. I could probably have a conversation with one of my kids and sneak that sucker off without them even knowing. And why do I feel the need to do this? Because bras are the DEVIL.

Now I'm sure you think I exaggerate, but I'm serious. I can count the number of women on one finger that don't have some sort of bra related issues. Most will agree that they hit the bedroom running after work, desperate to get that evil contraption away from their ladies. If bras are not the devil, then answer me this. What would you call something that constricts you, binds you, pinches you if you move the wrong way, has straps that never stay up if you've owned it for more than 5 minutes, and comes with the option of metal accessories to pierce tender skin? See? The devil.

As if that's not bad enough, they have a complex measurement scale whose sole purpose is to make you feel terrible about yourself, with BOTH numbers and letters. They needed two ways to make you feel insecure about your lady points, one wasn't enough. The numbers, of course, measure your girth. So you really only feel good about this if you're 14 and getting your first bra. You know, when your bra size is a negative number. THEN, they add the cup size which measures your actual boobage. Have you ever seen a woman be happy about finding a 38 DD bra? No, because she needs under wires to support those bodacious babies and they stab her all day long, not to mention the back problems she has from hauling those monsters around all day. On the other hand, you've probably never seen a 34 A do a cheer leading routine while bra shopping either. She's too busy envying the double D cups.

When you're 17, you can get one of those comfy, satiny feeling bras without wires that are so comfortable that you forget you have them on. (Although realistically, I don't think I've ever had that problem.) But after having kids, they make the transition from headlights to "Hey, what's so interesting that you're looking at on the floor?" So now you have to have support. (God forbid we aren't supportive of our magnificent mammaries.) So we add an under wire bra. (Because duct tape hurts when you take it off at night.) Which probably works OK until the first time you wash it. Then the wires are never the same again. So you buy a new one. Rinse, lather, repeat.

So for all the guys out there who think they have it so bad with jock straps, well, at least you don't have to wear it all day, every day. Although, it would be interesting to see if they could master the magic jock strap trick.