The Dumb-ass Epidemic....Coming to a City Near You!

I'm not sure when it happened, but it seems like America's "dumbing down". Do you remember when common sense wasn't a precious commodity? People could use their sense of sight and inference and make an educated guess on what was going on around them. Nowadays, people aren't even listening to themselves. Or maybe it's that they aren't thinking before they speak. Stupid people make my list of "People Who Need A Forehead Punch (With Brass Knuckles)".

Now, I know you're saying that I'm a "Stupidist" (That's a racist for stupid people. C'mon, don't you people speak my language yet?) and that I'm unfairly judging people. This is untrue. I'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they are semi-intelligent. Until they open their mouth. Then it's hard not to make snap judgments.  If I'm standing at the counter with the bag of flour, a mixing bowl, a cake pan, and measuring cups, please do not ask me if I'm changing the oil on my car. It's pretty obvious I'm baking. (It's even more obvious if you know me and know how much I bake.) When did our social skills disintegrate so much that stating the obvious became a conversation starter?

Sometimes, stating the obvious becomes a habit for people. I love my husband dearly, but he literally CANNOT help himself from making obvious comments. This man, the love of my life, once opened the fridge and, as he's staring at it's contents, asked me, "Is there anything else to drink other than milk, water, or juice?" Yes, honey, there is. It's called a store. It has all sorts of wonderful beverages that you can give the nice person at the cash register money for, and they will let you take them home with you. Oh, you mean in our actual fridge? Yes, there is a super secret compartment hidden in the glass shelves where I hide all the good stuff and you will never see it because I sprinkled the invisibility potion on it. Fortunately, because our spouses took that "for better or worse" thing, they get to see our stupid moments. Secretly, we're relieved that someone who's already promised to love us, warts and all, is the one that sees our brain drain moments rather than strangers. Sadly, we give our best to people we don't know and save our wartiness for our loved ones.

I understand that sometimes it's a social awkwardness thing. I get that. But sadly, it's more commonly Disconnected Tongue Syndrome. This, of course, is when your tongue does not connect to your brain, thereby making some of the dumbest thoughts in the universe string together and fall from your lips. You need to be warned: It's extremely contagious. 

Apparently, society frowns on survival of the fittest and just killing off the stupid ones before they procreate. (Damn society and their rules!) So we're stuck with them. For this scenario, I have come up with "Shauna's Self Help Guide to Dealing with Morons".

Tip 1: Take in deep, calming breaths while mentally counting to 5. Keep a paper bag handy in cases of extreme dumb ass-ness to help with hyperventilating.

Tip 2: Remember that prison jumpsuits are not flattering to a woman's figure.

Tip 3: No matter how dopey your boss/sister-in-law/cousin's husband is, telling them so will irrefutably have consequences that will haunt you for years. It's not worth being fired/poisoned/scratched out of the family bible for.

Tip 4: It's much harder to hide bodies than CSI makes it appear. (Not that I have experience with this, I'm just hazarding a guess. Yeah, that's it, a guess.)

Tip 5: No matter how much this person is annoying the crap out of you, the odds are they have a spouse/parent/roommate who wants to smack them much more than you do. Why begrudge them that?

Tip 6: All villages need an idiot. Otherwise, how would they know who the smart ones are?

If you have gone through all six steps and have not achieved the inner zen that you require to continue dealing with said moron, employ the Emergency Eject Procedures, specifically designed with the intention of ejecting this person from you immediate vicinity and, if you're lucky, the next vicinity after that.

Procedure 1: Grab your phone, feign an incoming call and politely say, "I'm sorry, I have to take this."

Procedure 2: At parties, employ the buddy system and have a safe word to let your partner in crime know that this conversation needs to be aborted. Make sure to use a word that cannot be misconstrued as actual conversation. "Wow, look how late the nectarine night has gotten." The safe word in that scenario would, of course, be night.

Procedure 3: If all other tips and procedures have failed, employ the duck and run, the feigned seizure, or the "I'm late for my colonoscopy" excuse.