Who Are You and What Are You Doing in My House?

We have a small house. (You're saying, "Yes, yes, we KNOW. Enough already.") I've discovered (I continue, while scowling at the unwanted interruption) that my house might be a little larger if there weren't uninvited house guests staying with us. Who are these house guests you ask? Thank you for your inquiry. Let me begin with:

The Battery Behemoth. I've never seen him, but I know that he exists. Every time I go to get a battery, they are always gone. I know my kids haven't taken them because every time I angrily yell, "What happened to all the batteries?" they stop playing the Wii long enough to look at me with their angelic, innocent expressions and say, "I don't know." I'm sure they'd tell me if they really did know.

The second is the Toilet Paper Troll. I've never met him either. This one is stealthy and sneaky and tiptoes into the bathroom to devour all the toilet paper, leaving only the cardboard tube. Whenever I ask my family who used the last of the toilet paper and didn't change the roll they exclaim, "Not Me!". I can only guess that they have met him and are on a first name basis.

Another "guest" is The Milk Monster. This is one that I DO NOT want to meet. Judging from the amount of milk it consumes, I can only imagine it has super sharp, strong teeth and extremely healthy bones and muscle tissue. I'm pretty sure if I met him I'd be so scared I'd scream like a girl. (Which is better than screaming like a boy, due to a better range and more emotion in the high pitched frequency.) I think that The Milk Monster has a mean streak because he always leaves the milk carton with just a swallow of milk left in it, which really, isn't enough to do anything with.

We also have The Sock Seeker. This critter craves dryer fresh socks, comforting itself with the soothing fabric softener scent. It only wants one of each sock for there is an old superstition, passed down through generations of Sock Seekers, that says a mated pair of socks casts ill health on your family. No one in my family can ever catch this wily sock thief and we have tried. Many times.

Lastly, as any household with children knows, we have the standard Closet Monsters and Under the Bed Creepers.They are allergic to light and are nocturnal. My husband and I have yet to catch one of these offensive and foul beasts as they continue their reign of terror on our innocent little babes. Our children, however, are well acquainted with them and their brethren.

So, add that list to my family of 5 (and our 85 pound black lab) and you can see why we're a little squished. I just hope they don't invite their friends for a party while we're out of town. Have you ever cleaned up Behemoth snot or Troll fungus? Me either, but it doesn't sound like fun.